


I Have Been Here Many Times Before

by allineedisaquill



Series: Some Sunny Day [2]
Category: BBC Ghosts, Ghosts (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Character Development, Coming Out, Flashbacks, Gen, Ghosts, Guilt, Heart-to-Heart, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Memories, Past Relationship(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 15:12:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18813475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allineedisaquill/pseuds/allineedisaquill
Summary: “He was the only one and I fear, since we’ve been gone....that I have betrayed that.”The second part of my 'Some Sunny Day' series.





	I Have Been Here Many Times Before

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hourtohourtohour](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hourtohourtohour/gifts).



> The response to my first work in this series - and for Ghosts in general - was so overwhelming and sweet. I already have the next few works somewhat planned, so look forward to those. You are in for an emotional roller coaster, my friends. 
> 
> Special thanks to Ell @hourtohourtohour for loving Jack enough to borrow him for their own works and for gifting me their words, to my BBC Ghosts discord for being great, and to all of you who left kudos or a comment on the first part.

Between Alison and Mike moving into Button House, the builders and the film crew, the noise and the disturbance, and the other dead residents that lingered on _—_ sometimes all the Captain wanted was space and a bit of peace and quiet. It could all get on the last of his nerves some days, and on those days he would retreat away from everyone else.

It had once been a room used by his men, a part of their command headquarters, but the Captain had long since learned how to block out the memories of them filling the room. The years gone by had seen it become a library instead, smaller than the main one but just as cosy. It may have been filled with books he could never read but he appreciated the space all the same, with its faded wallpaper and open fireplace.

He could sit in an armchair by the window and close his eyes. Just for a while, he could be at peace - or as at peace as was possible for a soldier stuck in limbo.

“Splendid,” he muttered to himself on a sigh, arms folded neatly in his lap.

His thoughts always drifted to his life, in the end. To the war, and to a time before that, too.

To _Jack._

Despite the years that had passed, he couldn’t stop how his mind replayed his memories. It was entirely unfair when he could hardly think of anything else, instead made to revisit his happiest moments whilst being so far away from them.

  
  


There was sun on his face and the sound of birds, and the Captain’s sleeves were rolled to his elbows as he poured two glasses of lemonade.

They sat on the bank of a small pond filled with water lillies and edged with tall reeds. It was half-enclosed by trees, some bearing apples and some with pink blossoms that blew down on the Spring breeze and showered them with fragrant petals. It was quiet, a hidden place Jack had visited many times by himself, but infinitely more enjoyable with company.

“It’s peaceful here,” Jack said quietly, accepting a glass with a smile.

The Captain tapped their drinks together, then took a sip of his. “Perhaps it can be ours.”

Jack’s smile widened even as he squinted in the sun. He bridged the space between them to plant a sugary kiss on his love’s lips, and before he could pull back he felt the Captain place his own hat atop his head.

“Since you forgot yours,” the Captain murmured before he stole another kiss. “You’re all fair hair and freckles, my dear; you know you’re prone to burning.”

“My hero,” Jack said. When he pretended to swoon, the Captain laughed.

Together they lay on their sides, propped up by their elbows, and Jack held a grape to his partner’s lips from the wicker basket that sat between them. He accepted it with a small smile and pressed a kiss to Jack’s thumb before he could pull it away.

Jack tried to hide his flushed face behind the brim of the Captain’s hat, but he failed.

On another breeze, pink blossom fell into the Captain’s neatly combed hair and Jack was all too happy to gently pluck it out. He did not miss the way the other man’s eyes shone with affection.

They had never been happier; it was a pleasant day, the air warm and sweet, and both were so saturated with saccharine love that they felt as though they could drown in it.

  
  


The Captain’s eyes flickered for another moment, then opened.

He sighed.

Once again, his peace was disturbed by thoughts of his past love. While he vowed to never forget the man who would always mean the most to him, the memories brought with them an overwhelming wave of guilt.

He had, after all, admired other men since his death.

Mike, for one. Then there was a builder, and Adam the director.

Despite how he prided himself on rationality, knowing with time and loneliness and a lack of human intimacy he was bound to look for those things someplace, he still tore himself to pieces for thinking another man attractive. He felt the shame crawl up his neck, heat his cheeks, and the thought that he had betrayed Jack in some way was a hard one to shake indeed.

Some days, he could hear Jack’s voice in his head berating such a thing.

 _“Don’t fret like you so easily do,”_ he would say. _“I would never begrudge you happiness.”_

Most days, though, the Jack inside his head wasn’t enough to quell the guilt that arose.

“Oh!” Alison’s surprised voice cut through the quiet of the small library. He hadn’t heard her enter and he let out a startled noise of his own. “Captain. Didn’t know you were in here.” She paused, then narrowed her eyes a bit. The last time she had caught him in a library, after all, he had been scheming with Julian.

More guilt. Marvellous.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

He cleared his throat and his back straightened where he sat. “Escaping the riff-raff of this house. Haven’t had a moment's peace for weeks, no thanks to you.”

Alison met him with a tight-lipped look of annoyance, but it quickly melted to a rather concerned frown when she noticed the way the Captain’s eyes fell to the ground. It made his response seem very unconvincing, and he briefly resented that she could see him.

She sat in the chair opposite and slapped her hands to her knees with a deep breath.

“I thought we’d come to an arrangement? I give you all what you want; you don’t try and get me to leave. I scratch your back and all that.” She tilted her head to the side. “If something’s bothering you, tell me and we’ll see if we can sort it out.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Hmm? There’s nothing. It’s quite alright. I lived through a war, you know, I’m capable of handling my own problems. Lord knows, I’ve faced enough battles alone.” In his deflection, he only succeeded in revealing more than he concealed. “Blast,” he muttered afterwards, his fingers tightening on the stick that rested across his lap.

Alison chewed her lip for a second as she weighed everything up, and then she leaned in with her arms resting in her lap. She dropped her voice when she asked, “Is this about before, with the director? You know it’s perfectly okay _—_ ” 

“Ah, that’s enough,” the Captain said abruptly, a hand raised to silence her. He stood up sharply and tipped his chin up in a stubborn show. “Look here. I don’t need someone to explain what is perfectly okay, especially someone who damn well doesn’t know what _—_ _this—_ feels like. Excuse me.” 

The arm Alison outstretched to catch the Captain as he fled simply passed through him. She stood for a moment in stunned silence as she watched him retreat in a flustered mess. Then, after a moment more, she strode purposefully after him.

  
  


By the time Alison caught up with him, her sure steps wavered and she stuck her hands in her pockets as she approached with an air of caution.

The sky was blue above Button House, barely a cloud to be seen, and the Captain sat on the grass of the field that overlooked the lake beyond in a last attempt at finding some semblance of peace. The picturesque scene of perfection left a lump in his throat; there was a distinct lack of Jack to complete it.

Once Alison was sure the Captain wasn’t going to run again, she dropped heavily to the grass beside him with a sigh as she squinted out at the view.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” She asked, tone soft, testing the waters.

The Captain hummed, but offered little else.

Still looking forward, Alison continued. “You’re wrong, you know. I do know. How it feels, I mean. You’d be surprised.”

That captured the Captain’s attention. She saw him turn to her in her peripheral vision.

“You do, do you?” He asked, bemused.

Alison looked at him then. A tiny hint of a breeze made her curls blow as she nodded slowly, an easy smile on her face.

“Before I met Mike, I had a girlfriend.” She paused deliberately, gave him time to take that in. She plucked at strands of grass absently, her gaze dropping as she thought. “We were together for two years. Telling my parents I was with another woman wasn’t easy. Telling my friends was a bit difficult as well.”

“I see,” the Captain said, so very quiet.

Alison looked back at the view. “Things have changed, though, since your time. I could have married her if we’d gotten that far; we can do that, now.” Her smile widened. “My cousin and his husband _did_ get that far though. It was a lovely day.”

The Captain’s eyes had widened, and then a crease formed between his brow. He searched her face for any trace of a lie and found none. These revelations, so unexpected as they were, made something pang deep in his chest. He swallowed once.

She wanted so badly to pat his arm, or to wind her own around his shoulders.

Instead, she said, “I’ve got pictures, if you want to see.”

He tried to keep his reaction reserved, interest downplayed, but Alison saw the spark in his eyes and she dug her phone from her pocket. The photos of the happy couple scrolled by one by one on her camera roll; hand-in-hand, a kiss at the altar, the first dance, and confetti falling down as they left the church.

The Captain remembered a warm Spring and cherry blossoms in his hair.

There was the pang in his chest again.

“Yes, they seem… Very happy.”

Alison nodded and shoved her phone away again. “They are. I went with them to Pride last year, it was great.” At his slight frown, she elaborated. “Those kinds of things happen all around the world, now, and the UK have loads. Big parties, parades _—”_

“I can’t imagine such a thing,” the Captain interjected as he struggled to comprehend it.

“Well, like I said - things have come a long way. Those celebrations started as riots. People had to fight for it all, and we still do.” She heard his understanding hum at that. “Lots of people are still _way_ behind. It’s better, though, and I think it’ll keep getting better. For people like me. Like you.”

The Captain was silent for a moment. Then he raised an eyebrow, an attempt at looking unconvinced. “Sounds frightfully optimistic,” he said, but she saw the way his moustache upturned with the barest hint of a smile.

Alison laughed, and was surprised when the Captain allowed a small laugh of his own too.

After half a minute, she sighed with a pat to her thigh. “Right, this house won’t sort itself out so I’d better go and see if I can find some other way of making money. Don’t suppose you’ve got any grand plans, Major-General?” She asked as she stood. “Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t wanna know what you lot suggest.”

The Captain tilted his head and nodded in silent agreement. She was probably right, there. Lord knows what schemes the others would come up with. He dreaded to think.

“I’ll leave you to it, then,” Alison said, and began to walk away.

“Wait a moment,” he started, turned in his spot to look at her.

She stopped and span on her heel, hands in her pockets again. “Yeah?”

He cleared his throat and felt his eyes mist over as he spoke. “When I was alive, there was...someone. He and I cared for each other deeply.” It felt surreal to say it out loud, like he was hearing a stranger talking instead of himself, but he soldiered on. He _wanted_ to say it, all of a sudden, to dare speak its name. He would afford himself that, and Jack deserved nothing less either.

“What happened?” Alison asked gently.

The Captain held her gaze steady. “I’m quite sure you can infer; you’re a smart woman. Nothing to be done about it now. The thing is, you see, we may not have been a part of this time, but our time was…very important to me. He was the only one and I fear, since we’ve been gone....that I have betrayed that.”

Alison saw his pained look and the guilt roll off him in waves. She was so used to seeing the Captain be upright, strict, all order. It was strange and difficult then to see his character shift, see him bare a wound still open after all those years.

She shook her head. “You’re stuck here, and he’s gone,” she said, and though the words might have stung, Alison took a chance on the fact that the Captain might just appreciate some direct honesty with no messing about. He seemed to be that sort of man, after all. “Any man who loved you enough wouldn’t want you to spend eternity miserable and alone.”

 _“She’s right, you old fool,”_ the Captain heard, the Jack in his subconscious weighing in.

With a slow, steady exhale, he gave a short nod. “Thank you,” he said simply.

“You’re welcome,” Alison replied, and with a small smile she turned again and made her way back to the house, leaving the Captain alone once more.

He looked out at the rolling fields, at the lake glittering in the late afternoon sun, and felt a little lighter. Perhaps he would manage some peace after all, but he had a feeling deep down in his gut that told him it wouldn’t last for long.

He would enjoy it, then, for as long as it did.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hello on Tumblr: bbcghosts.tumblr.com, or find me on the BBC Ghosts discord - link on my Tumblr desktop blog, or you can ask me for a link. Thank you!


End file.
